Battling Suicide

I want to share something personal with those who are battling depression, suicide, self-harm, etc. If you feel like life is not worth living, like no one cares, or there is no purpose to life, let me speak to you as to why that is all a giant lie.

I once used to be in the same mindset. I was easily disposable, used, abused, abandoned, you name it, I went through it. I know what it is like to feel worthless and struggling to figure out who truly cares about yourself. I battled with these issues up until the day I moved out at 18 years old. I told myself I would never be the type of daughter to just up and leave at 18, but when I got into a physical altercation… That was it, I left. When I was 13, I was not able to leave a situation. A family member of mine had choked me out, thrown me up against some hanging shelves that has caused the left side of my back to still be numb today. I understand, sometimes, we are in a position where leaving is not an option. But I urge you, get help. Sometimes, we have to be our own advocates to keep ourselves safe.

I know many of my friends do not know the details of my life. Even my absolute best friends… Every once in a blue moon I tell them about the details of my life when it’s needed; and though they understand my life wasn’t kind to me, they are still shocked to hear the things I went through. 

I’m not here to give my life story, but I do want to share the moment I got true insight that helped me conquer depression. Depression that followed me for years. Rightfully so. It had every right to drown me. I would hide in the bathroom for hours… It was my only safe-space. I would cut all down my arms and my thighs. I still remember today the kind of release it gave me from the internal pain I was suffering. When one doesn’t have someone to go to freely, they turn against themselves. They will harm themselves in ways they probably never imagined. I understand why we turn to such harsh behaviors. Anything to numb the pain. Anything to make us forget the horrors of our own mind and our reality we have to live through. 

My heart truly breaks for my friends and family who battle with mental instability, such as anxiety and depression. I want you to know you are loved. Loved beyond measure. I want each and every one of you to have someone who is safe and truly loving to you that you can run to and talk to. I promise you, at the end of the day, I want to see you thrive in life, not destroy your life. 

“No one cares.”

Somebody does care. And I’m sorry you are not getting the care that is required and needed during your hard moments. I’ve seen and witnessed families fail their own children in times of desperate need. I was once that child. Trust me. My family wanted nothing to do with me. They didn’t know how to deal with me. I was blackmailed, I was called a problem child. I was called a demon. I was blamed for my own family member’s schizophrenia. Blamed that I was the reason for a grown man’s drug problem. The things one has to learn to battle and navigate is not easy. I understand. And I promise, if any one of you needs somebody, please, reach out to me. I’m willing to listen and talk with you. 

Let me explain to you how I know people truly care… As a few of you know, I had to walk to school. My family refused to drive me just 5 minutes down the road to school, and they didn’t sign me up for a bus, for whatever reason, I’m not sure. It felt as if I was a burden on their life. Even during volleyball, soccer, and cheer seasons, I was told I either got a ride home from someone, or I walked home. In the summer, I walked 6 miles a day, just because I had no transportation. I had people try to kidnap me, run me off the side of the road by purposely driving off the road at me, I’ve walked home at midnight and after dark on multiple occasions. The amount of absences and tardies I had my senior year… I truly should not have graduated, but I acquired 30 credits, so it’s possible my over-achievements caused them to overlook that issue. I’ve been driven home by the sheriff, my coaches, a few strangers, friends, etc. 

Since my situation was known by basically the entire school, one evening, while I was taking a nap, there was another girl who happened to one day walk that same route I did. She got hit by a car, and had to be taken to the hospital. I woke up two hours later after this situation. I had a crazy amount of missed calls, unread texts, friend requests, etc. I had people who I never met, or much less knew, but never talked to, reach out to me. To say I was confused was an understatement. After I was filled in on the situation that went down, I understood. Most people who contemplate suicide, we just want to be cared and loved for. The constant thought of, “Maybe if I was dead, they would finally care. They will finally pay attention to me.” Those thoughts were squashed. Thrown into the trash. I had people who watched out for me, prayed for me, rooted for me, and cared for me. Without my knowledge. I finally understood, I was cared for. I was loved. People did want the best for me. To help me. The one thing I yearned for was accomplished all along. In the unknown.

You don’t know the impact you have on someone. You don’t know the type of influence you give another. Complete strangers.. We constantly are influenced and give influence to one-another. You are loved. You are cared for. People do wish the best for you. We want to see you succeed. To thrive. To win in life. You. Are. Loved. More than you may ever know or realize. You never know the kind of light you display in another’s life. Keep moving forward. If you don’t know how to move out of a pit of depression, reach out to me. I have tips and tricks that got me through my darkest moments. 

If you have people who bully you, constantly put you down, make you feel worthless. Run. Stop giving them the time of day. I had an infamous ex. Yes, if we went to school together, we are indeed thinking of ‘him’. I don’t think anyone understood how low he made me feel. He once made me break down crying in the hallway, because the night before, he made me think he committed suicide. We were 2 months into our relationship. When he showed up at my locker the next day… He went to walk me to class, but once everyone was out of view, I broke down on the ground. I couldn’t get up. He had no idea how badly his mind game messed with me. He never did that to me ever again.

However, later that year, he had me in the office, on the ground, crying my eyes out. I told my coach I didn’t want to be alive anymore. This man made me feel so worthless. I couldn’t move. This man made me feel paralyzed. A year later? He had me crying into the arms of my best friend. Paralyzed. Worthless. For three days. That was my final straw with him. And that’s not counting all of the times he told me he hated me, cheated on me, and basically treated me like the scum of the earth. He constantly would try to convince me into sexual acts, such as threesomes, and say that was the only way he would ever stay with me. And when I would tell him no, ever? He said he hated me, called me names, and more. I was no more than just a body to him. A toy. And I allowed it.

We constantly put ourselves in positions of compromise when it means someone will ‘love us’, but let me share some vital news with you, a person who truly loves and respects you will never put you in a position of compromise if it means devaluing yourself. A person who truly loves you, will respect you. Love cannot be had without respect, and respect is not cultivated without love. The two go hand in hand. You cannot have one without the other. Love may be selfless, but it is not dehumanizing.

Do not allow another person to dehumanize you.

We are called to love our neighbor as we love ourselves, but if someone ever makes you feel worthless, less than valued, like you mean nothing, please… walk away. Each and every person has a purpose. You are meant to be loved. You are meant to be valued, cherished, and honored.

Your life is not meaningless.

Do not stay quiet.

Speak up.

If any one you have a friend battling with depression or anxiety, reach out to them and let them know they are loved and cherished. Just one small text to someone to tell them they matter can change an entire moment for someone. 

“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the god of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. To Him be the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.” 1 Peter 5:6-11 NKJV

“Father, my King of kings, Lord of lords, the Ultimate Creator of life, I pray to You. I come to you in intercession for my friends and family who battle with thoughts of defeat, suicide, self-harm, and anything that causes them to be destroyed, physically, or mentally. My love for them is strong. Father, I’m tired of seeing my people be defeated. I want nothing more than for them to get to experience Your eternal love, grace, peace, and mercy. I pray You show my friends and family in this battle how to accept the love they so clearly desire. Father, it’s You we truly yearn for. We may not realize it at the moment, but we long for You. Help my people in despair. I pray for their chains of bondage to be broken. I pray for them to experience a freedom in You they’ve never experienced on their own. Father, I pray this prayer, in hopes that just one life is changed. I do not need to know who. I do not need to experience or witness the miracles and blessings You work in another’s life to know that You do, indeed, bless those who ask You. In Your Holy and Mighty Name, Jesus Christ, I pray and say Amen.”