Discover
Some days I want to be saved.
Some days I want to be the hero.
Most days, however, I find myself in flight or fight mode. Most of my time in my day is spent trying to get my brain to breathe. Yet, silence for my mind is the equivalent to a fish out of water. Suffocating. My hand-eye coordination is so bad, I can barely catch a breath.
My mind has been running for days. Training as if it is conditioning itself for a marathon. Thoughts running so fast, sweat pours out of my eyes and blurs my vision. These mental gymnastics has been making my emotions sore. I think it may be time to give my mind an ice bath. A little ice cream TLC. Shock my mind into submission through a premeditated brain-freeze.
Maybe add in a midnight drive to my nowhere destination. A good conversation with a man whose not even mine. I think… no. I know he’s good for me, but unfortunately for him the men of my past has caused love to become a disease. I have tried so hard to become infected by injecting the kisses of my past lovers straight into my veins. I hope and pray each day to become love sick, but it doesn’t ever happen. It seems to me I might just be allergic to feelings.
How can one be immune to something that’s meant to be so good for you? The one thing that is supposed to heal you? I told myself to go outside and sit in the sand and allow my emotions to ride the waves of the ocean. A little go with the flow. Allow the waves to come to me. Allow my feet to get wet instead of dipping my toes in the water to check the temperature. Instead, I need to just dive straight in. Dive into the deep of my own emotional sea despite the fear that may decide to become my company. I’m not afraid to get hurt anymore. I embrace it because I know on the other side, love awaits me.
May fear become afraid of me. May it decide to flee. May I learn to embrace all of me. May love come and find me. May I discover the depths of myself to uncover marvelous mysteries of my heart and soul I never knew. My heart and soul seem to have become the hidden wonders of my own little world. Places I long to discover. I’m learning to become familiar with myself in the unknown. To stop trying to fix myself, but become my own greatest lover I ever knew. To allow the Lord to undo all I ever knew so He can make me new.
