Struggling Faith
Ever seen a believer question their faith?
Where the walls of church have suddenly closed in and you can’t breath? When too much scripture has been shoved down your throat, you can no longer eat? When the church will run in disguise and hide behind the excuse, “We’re just planting seeds!” Ever heard the pastor tell you to hold on tight and hang on for the ride, but the constant reminders have your hands tied?
Hi, it’s me. The believer who suddenly can’t see. The believer who is now questioning her faith. The believer who decided to leave. She needed a break. I get told it’s not faith to walk away. Is it not ok for one to take a break when church culture has become so coddling? Smothered in scripture and doused in water, I’m now drowning. My roots cannot breathe. Desperation to keep souls in the seats has choked out respiration of my spiritual tree. My desire for breakthrough has now broken me. I’m afraid my fruit may have never been sweet.
Father, please, save me…
I have become so blind, the light has turned into night and my mind is itching for release. I’m just a girl begging on her knees, “Lord, please help me!” Blind faith has suddenly turned into a disease. It’s only led me into the arms of wolves in sheep’s clothing. Tears running down my cheeks like my feet heading down the street of Church Avenue. Terrified to turn around to see who’s chasing me. I’m suffocating, my face is turning blue. My body is becoming lifeless, while the church yells out, “God bless you!”
I can’t go on like this.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 NKJV.
Healing and advancement became my drug, but quickly I became blinded by manipulation disguised as love. I have been equipped to fail, it seems. Maladaptation has quickly encapsulated me. The church has ravaged me whole. Daily fellowship has turned into chirping crickets. The ink has finally ran out of my pen. My highlighter has dimmed. Colors in my world has faded. The Word has made me jaded. Winter has made its appearance. What if church culture is secretly killing my soul? Churches have become so engulfed with filling their seats and growing their building over spreading the Gospel.
Free roam sheep - a dying breed.
Pastors and church leaders are more intrigued with obtaining influence and eating grass-fed meat over letting their own sheep graze freely. Their bodies have become more fit than the faith of their congregation. Their sheep in a constant malnourished state of being. Our leaders’ knowledge of scripture has become intellectual degrees over a faith that sets souls free. Legalism and religion runs rampant. Spiritual disease. Church has become a place of captivity. Holy Spirit has become limited in movement while shepherds have become controlling. Freedom has become bait. Freedom has become a fence. Freedom has held a tight grip on me. Freedom really isn’t really free.
Matthew 21:13, “And He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer,’ but you have made it a ‘den of thieves.’”
“Jesus, I’m sorry, but I have to leave…”
Knock knock!
“Who’s there?”
“The Lord, your Heavenly Father.’
“Oh, please, stay right there!”
Don’t come in. I am not equipped for this. I do not know how to let you in after all of the deception that has caused a block in my reception. These blurred lines have became all too thin. I haven’t read the Word. I haven’t even picked up my pen. Time with You has become unspent.
I’m sorry I failed You. My constant need for healing has really broken me. I know I’ll never measure up to Jesus. That’s impossible. That’s why He died on the cross. So, tell me, Father, does the church despise imperfection?
Forgive me, Father.
I only need a break.
I’ll leave You with this last question..
When is it okay for me to just be… me?
