A Witness

I feel as if I’m just a branch on a willow tree just swaying with the breeze on a cool, sunrise morning. The fog encapsulates me, just like the sorrow of my heartbreak. The leaves hanging low like my head in shame; constantly swaying back and forth as if I am constantly telling myself no. Yet, the sun continues to rise, setting in stone the night of sorrow. The pain has seeped into my veins just the same as water soaks into the roots of the willow tree. The Lord keeps me still as I wrestle with the cool, morning breeze coming upon me, vaporizing the fog that currently blinds me.

This season with my divorce has left me fighting for my life on some nights. I lost a lot of integrity. I turned into someone I thought I would never be. I said things I thought I would never say. I’ve spoken way too much. I’ve left myself embarrassed and confused. I was turned away from the Lord when I thought I was right by Him. I allowed myself to become a true fool. I allowed my voice to become louder than Christ’s. 

To say I was a mess is an absolute understatement. 

Quite honestly, if I didn’t have the Lord, I’m unsure of where I would be today. My mind terrorized me some nights, but the Lord kept me still. He provided me peace in the most unassuming moments. The intensity of His peace and grace I was able to full-heartedly witness is something I wouldn’t change if my life depended on it. Don’t get me wrong, my divorce has yet to be finalized, but I see the foreshadowing of my future. However, I can see His goodness with either outcome, married or single.

However, within recent conversations and confirmations from my Father, it’s probably safe to say I will soon be single in the near future.

Psalms became my self-soothing drug. Learning again how to trust in myself to hear my Father has been a self-infuriating journey. I lost so much trust in myself, I denied I was even hearing Him at all. So I buried myself in His word. I always heard about people speaking about coming to the end of yourself… then I witnessed it. Crying uncontrollably on my shower floor, naked, defeated, and at a complete loss for words. That was the night I gave everything up. My dreams, my husband, and myself.

“Let go.” Christ told me. 

So I did. Simply because I do not like myself anymore. I don’t want to be full of myself, it has only left me empty. I desire to be full of Christ with the overflow of the Spirit pouring out of me into others. To see others respond to the altar call screams at me, it brings me to absolute tears. Nothing means more to me than when others finally respond to the call of God in their life. I have to remember for myself, too. My obedience to Him is vital because His love consumes me. Heaven or hell, the Lord has captured my heart and turning away from Him scares me. It’s not worth it.

This season of my life has allowed me to be a witness of the Lord in a whole new way. How can we experience something so good beyond description and still willingly choose to disobey? I baffle myself with this, even. How dare I take advantage of what the Lord has provided for me. There was a day where my Father allowed me to feel just a fraction of the grace He has… the intensity of it caused me to hate myself for taking advantage of what He has freely given. I cried at how sinful I was. I was mad at myself and told Him I wish I never had free will. The intensity of His grace and mercy will truly put you on your face. I felt like I was an abomination… I was shattered. 

His love keeps me whole. When others don’t understand His love, when they’re blind to the Lord, it makes me want to just grab them by the shoulders and shake them like a rag doll until they understand. I constantly have to take a step back and tell myself, “We’re all learning.” Every relationship is curated uniquely to the individual. Some of us take off and soar immediately with the Lord, while others, it takes much longer. Some of us carry more grace for others and forgiveness is simply second nature while the next can wrestle with pride and wonder why people ‘just don’t get it’.

I’ve been falling in love with my sanctification process. I’m left with peace in the fact I will never be enough and I never have to be. I was told I set a false standard for myself. I truly was performing at a level I was never called to. The reality checks are nice. I cherish when others are upfront with me in my performance and character because it allows me to take a step back and take a deep breath. I’m so excited to work for the Lord, I simply forget the most precious place to be is at His feet. I’m simply learning.

I will also say, it has been such a blessing to witness the Lord be my protector and my provider. I’m simply the daughter of the King Most High. How mighty and majestic is He. I have dedicated myself to being kind and the Lord has blessed me beyond measure for it. Not just me, but it has allowed others to be blessed through me, and that is worth far more than the blessings I receive, myself. Kindness always prevails and I can attest to that. My Protector, my Provider, my Redeemer, oh, sweet Adonai. Forever I will praise Him. 

I find it interesting how the Lord has worked this divorce out for my good already, and it’s not even final. Slowly, the Lord is revealing more to me about the entirety of my relationship with my spouse and has provided more peace to me over the divorce. I still mourn my marriage, but I’m met with peace, love, and grace. 

And as the break of dawn peaks over the mountains and crawls upon the valley, I remain hidden with Him. Fear and rejection no longer have a hold of me, for the light draws away the darkness. I stand and watch the darkness coward away as the light of my Father takes charge, paralyzing the enemies of the night. 

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High

Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;

My God, in Him I will trust.”

Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler

And from the perilous pestilence.

He shall cover you with His feathers, 

And under His wings you shall take refuge;

His truth shall be your shield and buckler.

You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,

Nor of the arrow that flies by day,

Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,

Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,

And ten thousand at your right hand;

But it shall not come near you.

Only with your eyes shall you look,

And see the reward of the wicked.

Because you have made the LORD, who is my refuge,

Even the Most High, your dwelling place,

No evil shall befall you,

Nor shall any plague come near your dwelling;

For He shall give His angels charge over you,

To keep you in all your ways.

In their hands they shall bear you up,

Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, 

The young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot.

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;

I will set him on high, because he has known My name. 

He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble; 

I will deliver him and honor him.

With long life I will satisfy him,

And show him My salvation.” Psalm 91 NKJV

Amen.