When “Just Because” Just Isn’t Enough

I serve a big God. One that I know can afford to give me a personal reason or two about why He loves me. He created the universe, He created me; could He not surely give me a reason? I could not handle a simple, “He loves you just because He loves you.” kind of answer. Am I not special enough to receive an answer from Him curated just for me? Was my existence simply too much of a mistake? Was His love so shallow that He just simply could never love me deeper than an empty “I love you” that echoes through my ears as if they are a dark, cold tunnel, void of meaning?

“Read your Bible.”

“Of course He loves you, it says so in the Bible.”

“He knitted you in your mother’s womb.” As I hear so often quoted pertaining to Psalm 139:13.

Or what about, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son…” John 3:16 NIV. 

So He loves me… but what does that mean…?

Why did He love me?

Why did He choose me?

Why…. me?

It seemed as if asking this question on a deeper level looking for something different than basic Bible scripture was blasphemous to ask in the realm of church culture. 

Was I not allowed to question His love for me?

I felt like I was in shackles of the biblical intellect of love rather than in the freedom of Holy Spirit’s well of water. As if only relying on biblical intellect kept me from drinking from the very Well of Life, itself. 

Biblical intellect simply didn’t fill me.

Revelation without love is simply void.

I didn’t want another Bible thumper answer. I required a personal revelation. I needed it if I was going to thrive spiritually. My entire being yearned for a deep and unique revelation of His love for myself, and myself, only.

“God is no respecter of persons.” As they refer to Acts 10:34.

Or the classic, “For God does not show favoritism.” Romans 2:11 NIV.

What these responses really told me was I wasn’t important nor special enough to be loved differently, uniquely, or that maybe deep down, God’s love for myself really wasn’t deep. He didn’t actually want to create me.

As if the death of Jesus was only out of pity.

Conclusion? If God didn’t love me deeply, then the death of Jesus is something I simply could never really understand and maybe, quite possibly, He was a liar because He never actually wanted to set me free.

I don’t care how arrogant it makes me sound, but I simply do not want to be loved by my God just the same as He loves you.

I’m simply worth more than shallow, mundane love, right? But, if my God doesn’t love me differently, does He really even love me, at all? If someone I am in marriage with loves me on the same level as everyone else, is that really a love I can trust and abide in? Absolutely not. That is not a safe love. If my God formed me, then He simply loves me uniquely and I demanded to know why. If He couldn’t tell me why He loved me, then He, too, would surely abandon me…. 

With all my strength, I was trying my best to reach the Well of Life in the midst of the field, but the rope of biblical intellect was around my waist and holding me back by people of the church. 

It was as if they were screaming at me, “Why can’t you just be satisfied by what we tell you?!”

I cried in anguish, “Set me free!” 

My attempts to reach the well with all my might was growing weaker and weaker as the crowd pulled back harder and harder.

Finally, I surrendered. Defeated. I fell to my knees in the dirt as I cried in shame. 

Finally, the church left me alone. The crowd left. The rope remained tied around my waist but no longer bound on the other end. My defeat left me without strength. I couldn’t move as I was held down by despair.

My strength to fight for love was gone.

My hope for love was shattered.

My desire for love was a means for an end.

“I’ll never be truly loved.” I cried through tears as my thoughts flooded the atmosphere. The world around me quickly became blurred. My sight was no longer clear as tears flooded my eyes and continued to rain down my cheeks. My thoughts thundered in the sky above me as night fell.

“Die to yourself!” They yelled, but all I heard was I’ll never be good enough.

“You’re not perfect! You never will be!” only ever screamed at me that I’m not loved and never will be.

“He has no favorites!” only told me I wasn’t special, so I was never truly loved. 

“Guess what? Life isn’t fair!” roared at me to shut up and my problems didn’t matter. That I didn’t matter.

Truth is… why did I bother to even try? All I’ll ever remain is worthless in the Kingdom. I held no more value than a small rock in a footpath. Kicked around, stepped on, never to be given a thought. Or, if thought was given, it was only ever how worthless I really am.

All I could ever do was watch the giants in the faith. I’ll simply never be one as much as I yearned for it. My head hung low, my back hunched over, screams and tears of pain and defeat were the only utterances that escaped my mouth. Death would have been simpler, yet, I simply didn’t want to die. I wanted to live. Maybe that’s why not being loved is so damaging… 

We yearn for death when love is absent.

A hand gently lifted up my chin…

“My child,” He spoke, a soft smile and eyes full of compassion met my blurred gaze. 

“You are perfect in all of your ways.” sincerity hit the atmosphere as He sang these words to me. My thunderous thoughts were silenced. The storm within me was subsiding.

“Who I AM is who you are.” He comforted me as He knelt on the dirt in front of me. Meeting me right where I was at, empathizing with me on my level.

“I am speechless at your desire for Me. I can hardly speak.” He tells me in love as He wipes away my tears with one hand, while holding my hand in the other.

“And as you call Me deeper still into love, I am met with an undeniable love for you, My child.” peace encapulated me as my Father consoled me.

“It is a privilege to be loved by you.” He spoke to me softly in a sweet embrace, my head buried into His shoulder as I cried softly. The pain was no longer a friend, but grew into a stranger. I slowly grew to know pain no longer.

“I will never leave you, nor forsake you.”

“EVERYTHING I am is who you are.”

“Because I am love, so are you.”

“Every time you choose Me, it brings Me to tears.”

His responses calmed the atmosphere and covered me in peace and love. He guided me up onto my feet and walked me to the well. Dawn had finally arrived. Quickly, I was given water to drink, and my heart was flooded with life. It was as if I could feel my heart beating again.

Hope was restored and trust was re-established. 

“My daughter, you are Mine, and because you are Mine, I love you deeper than the oceans and more vast than all of creation combined. And if I had to, I would die for you all over again just to come to your rescue.” Jesus spoke as He untied the rope that remained around my waist. He hugged me in a deep embrace.

Love engulfed me from the inside out. 

He kissed me softly on the forehead before saying, “Remember, who you are right now is exactly who I love. I loved you the day I chose you. I loved you the very moment I ever thought of you. I loved you as I knitted you together in the womb. I loved you as you walked your very first steps and during your very first fall. I loved you when you hated Me and I have loved you every moment you have loved Me. I have walked with you and talked with you throughout your entire life, what makes you think I would turn away now? Your perfection means nothing to Me, but you, yourself, mean everything to Me. Your sanctification is not for My goodness, but it is for yours. I must purify you, but that does not mean I will love you more after purification, for My very love for you right now cannot simply grow any more, as I already love you to My full extent in My entire existence as I AM. Remember, My love, you would not truly be My child if you were not like Me already in all that I am and in all of My ways. Who you are right now is exactly who I am in love with.” He tells me as He held my hands and looked into the depths of my eyes and into my heart. 

Jesus loved me. He truly loved me. His sweet embrace and words of life had covered me fully in a love so undeniable. I could hardly speak. 

It’s true, I have heard thousands of stories of what they think my Father is like. Yet, nothing compares to the tangible experience of Him for myself. How He truly spoke to me in the dead of night. 

My experience of His tangible and evident love for me was birthed out of a moment of worship. Yet, only after I came to a place where I had to finally admit to Him, deep down, I was angry and disappointed with Him. I was scared, unsure, and left with more questions than there seemed to be answers. He already knew what was deep in my heart, but did I know? Most importantly, could I allow my pride to be set aside and confess that I was wrong?

It was only after forgiveness was given, revelation washed over me. The worship team led us into the song of ‘Good Good Father” yet, He hushed my voice as the Lord began to sing to me. He serenaded me. He loved me so much, a song dedicated in praise of His goodness to Him was used by Him to minister His love to me. 

“Everything I am, you are.” will never be forgotten as He spoke so clearly in the midst of the lyrics. He heard me. He heard me and loved me enough to bless me with a moment as unique as I. He curated this moment just for me. 

As His love softened my heart and quieted my mind in the midst of forgiveness, I was truly able to sing back to Him, “You’re a good, good Father.”

Amen.